Healthy Grieving

It’s Not the Destination, It’s the Journey

Taking grief public and talking about it cannot be underestimated as healthy tools for processing sadness. When people find out that I’m a death consultant, they’re only too eager to share stories about the person they miss. Try expressing your grief by wearing it. Have a t-shirt printed with the photo of or a dedication to your loved one. Any article of clothing may be personalized and worn as a way of feeling close to the deceased. It could be beneficial for the grieving youth to decorate a T-shirt with fabric paints and accessories, or the whole family can decorate together and wear them on memorable dates. Pin or glue photos onto a jacket, sweater or pair of jeans. I had David’s prayer card pinned onto the lapel one of my evening coats. For a few months, he was always out to dinner with me.

Remembering with Jewelry

Rings, necklaces, bracelets, charms, earrings—any piece of jewelry that symbolizes your relationship with the deceased—can be worn in his or her memory. I wear a simple silver ring that David had given me as a reminder of the profound experience I endured. In fact, there’s a new market of jewelry that has the capability to store a small portion of cremains.

Set Up a Shrine

Place pictures, candles, incense, and mementos on a table or shelf in your home or at work as an homage to the departed. When the intense feelings arise, your “shrine” is there for you to look at, to cry with, to smile, to comfort. This shrine does not ever have to get put away or shut down; it may over time become smaller with leaving one picture. This is a good way of measuring the intensity of your grief. In time your shrine can also become a memory box—whether hand made or store bought it matters not as long as everything fits inside. Don’t lock the box, especially in the beginning. Keep it open and free and accessible, so that its contents serve as tools for comfort. When you reach the point you feel you can move on, lock the box and put it in a safe place or bury it as a time capsule.

Get  a Tattoo

Memorial tattoos are a permanent remembrance and so is your grief, memory tattoos can be a deep and meaningful tribute to a loved one.  I’ve seen tattoos of all kinds;  a portrait, zodiac signs, roses, hearts, stars, stick figures, birth and death dates or simply  “in loving memory of mom”.   I have also seen and heard about people adding a pinch of cremated remains in their tattoo.  Getting the ink is like telling the world I am griever and I remember; the memory is never lost.   When planning for your memorial tattoo think about a design that truly memorializes the way you want to remember someone in a positive light.  Think about it for a while, don’t get a tattoo when you are in the beginning stages of grieving.  If you are looking for a way to forever remember a loved one, tattoos in memory might be for you.

Take Breaks to Reflect, Renew, Refresh

Take a walk, hike, jog or bicycle ride in a nearby park or at the beach. Keep moving, commune with nature. Everyone knows the benefits of exercise, but studies also suggest it’s valuable for maintaining emotional stability. Take on a new hobby or activities. Get lost in a bookstore or library, where you can browse the shelves until you find a book that piques your curiosity. Take a class at a community college or sign up for a city sponsored program. Get involved with a charity, go to the movies, or attend a live theatrical performance. Keep a journal of your activities during this time. (You may want to write music or poetry, which you don’t have to share with anyone but yourself). Go on vacation. Getting away for a short time from the environment associated with the deceased may be just what you need. Keep in mind there’s a fine line between avoiding an unpleasant situation and taking a break to regain your strength—make sure you don’t cross it. Wherever you go, the emotions will remain unless and until you’re able to convert them to new awareness.

Sex Can Be Therapeutic

Have sex. Yes, you read that right. It happens in the movies, usually when someone turns to a friend for consolation, and it can happen to you. Having sex is okay when you’re grieving, as long as you can keep it in perspective. Sexual connection with another person is a way of suspending time and forgetting that the world exists. Both parties should be consenting and aware that this type of union is a form of grief therapy. Adultery should be avoided, and your liaison should not be considered as potential for a long-term relationship. Be very aware of the situation and its consequences.

Connect with Others

Last but not least, you can start your own gatherings or support group. Make sure you spend time with friends. Routine and socialization help you stay connected and remind you that life continues, which is one of your goals in returning to normalcy. Or, like me, you can design a website and reach out to the world and beyond. Whatever your choices, you must learn to live without your loved one. More importantly, you must learn to live with yourself again.