Most of us, who have minimal exposure to death, don’t have sufficient experience for dealing with its emotional consequences. Grieving is especially misunderstood by Americans, who are task-oriented and used to taking on challenges and achieving goals. When death occurs, we feel helpless. There’s nothing we can “do” but accept it, which can be disorienting. This sense of helplessness commingles with grief to make the mourning process even more difficult. In addition, each one of us has our own way of reacting to death. Some initially react with shock and loss of feeling—especially if the death is unexpected. You may even feel shame that you’re exhibiting such vulnerability. Survivors are often surprised by their reactions, which can manifest in ways they’ve never before behaved.

Being Sad is Normal

Sadness at the death of a loved is a normal human response. A friend once told me that the worst part of depression is falling out of happiness, and it’s true. There may be a strong temptation to withdraw and isolate from the world, not just because you’re alone but because you want to shield yourself from further pain. You may feel your world, in fact, no longer exists and that the challenge of rebuilding is overwhelming. You can’t possibly survive, you think. It’s important to understand that you don’t have to have an immediate plan or that you must recover within a matter of days. Your grief is your own and does not have to be processed by any particular deadline—pun intended. Can you imagine putting a time limit on happiness?

Coping with Change in Your Life

During this difficult time, understand that your life is being drastically and forever changed. It’s very important to maintain good eating habits and to drink plenty of water, no matter how much stress you’re under. Water has been proven to alleviate depression. If you don’t think you can handle a full meal, stick with healthy snacks. On the other hand if your emotions are tied in with your eating habits, be aware of what you eat. Ask friends to help. When David passed away, my roommate wanted to know what she could do for me. My immediate response was to request that she do my grocery shopping for the coming week. Food was the last thing on my mind, but I knew I had to eat.

Take Care of Yourself

Whether you know it or not, your body is grieving. Take care of it with daily hot showers or long baths. (Bath time is also a good opportunity for a private crying jag.) The power of touch can never be underestimated. Hug as many friends as you can. Get a massage. If you’re crying a lot, dab on eye cream to keep the skin around your eyes from getting dried out. It’s important to feel comfortable in your choice of clothing, whether it’s your best suit or a pair of clean sweats. Be what you feel and don’t worry about what others may think.

It’s Okay to Talk About It

Home can be the most comfortable place to be when you’re grieving, but at some point you do have to face the outside world. Being out in the “normal” world can feel abnormal. Wondering how the rest of life goes on when your own world has collapsed may give rise to anger and resentment. You may notice that your senses are still attached to the deceased: a voice you hear similar to that of your loved one, a whiff of perfume or cologne reminiscent of the deceased’s brand, clothing or attitudes that resemble those of the departed. You may even believe you’ve glimpsed the deceased in a crowd. That can be scary, but stay calm. If you feel the need to approach someone, share a brief story about how he or she reminds you of your loved one who’s gone and then move on. It’s healthy to talk about and to continue to remember the deceased. When people find out you’re grieving, they may even share their own death experiences.

Be Open With Others

Throughout the mourning process you’ll come across those who will avoid you. Do not take this personally. These people simply can’t deal with the subject of death. You can’t hold it against folks that you are going through an experience they cannot relate to. That they don’t know what to say or “do” and would rather avoid the situation altogether has nothing to do with you. If you come across someone like this, be open and frank and non-confrontational. You’ll both feel better.

Tell Them What You Need

There are people in the world who do understand the grieving process. They’re the ones who will cry with you and acknowledge you and your feelings. Stick with them. They’ll lend you an empathetic ear when you need to talk. You’ll be comforted, which will allow you to build on your sense of security and trust. Remember, though, that human beings are not mind readers. No one but you—and even that’s not always true—knows what you’re feeling at any given moment. It’s your responsibility to seek out and ask for what you need.

Healing through Grief

As you move beyond the ups and down of sadness and loss, stay in touch with the person you were before the death of your loved one occurred. Understand that when you come out on the other side of grief you won’t necessarily be a totally new “you,” but you’ll no longer be the old “you” either. You will not achieve synthesis overnight, but neither can you let yourself be paralyzed by your emotions. Healthy grieving frees your emotions, which in turn leads to acceptance, self-awareness and inner peace. How you process the sadness makes all the difference between healthy and unhealthy grieving.