funeral ideas, memorial ideas

The Traditional Service Done Your Way

When making funeral arrangements I have often been asked how funerals are normally held or what the right way is to go about having a memorial service. After a few years I finally figured out the answer: There are no rules to follow. There is no norm. You can host a funeral any way you choose, whether it be a traditional church funeral service or one that you invent yourself. As long as you pay tribute to the life of the deceased in some positive way, there is no right or wrong way to proceed.

Now more than ever death care consultants have the opportunity to function as memorial event planners. Creating an event that allows for personal expression, which in turn allows families to transform the experience into treasured memories of their loved one sounds great, doesn’t it?

It’s important for your service to create an environment of comfort and trust, since attendees are often aggrieved, nervous and apprehensive. The physical set-up for your service can be any location, as long as it’s conducive to people gathering together. Reflecting on the life of the deceased in the company of others facilitates the grief process.

Bear in mind that the service is a one-time deal. As Jim Morrison so famously put it, this is the end, my friend. There will be no repeat performance, so the service needs to be carefully planned. The participation of friends and loved ones is beneficial to everyone. Unfortunately, attendance and participation are often unpredictable. Give yourself plenty of prep time, and avoid using your fear or guilt in the planning process. Be flexible. Remember that the service is for everyone, so listen to the advice and thoughts of others.

I can remember when David died that the most gratifying part of the experience was hearing all the stories about him. You might be surprised at what you learn after someone has passed. David and I had been the best of friends for six years, yet I never knew he was a fan of opera. Be warned that when stories are shared, tension or hurt feelings may surface. There will always be information about a person that isn’t known by everyone, and it’s important not to take it personally. The funeral service can be a time to discover some of the “I didn’t knows” about the deceased, the idea being to enrich your understanding of your loved one and not limit it.

How to Begin Planning

Where do you begin when putting together this unique event? After you’ve decided on the location and officiant, simply ask yourself how you’d like it to look and feel, and then go from there. Do you want to use a special color? Should there be music? What about refreshments? Planning alternative ceremonies can be a challenge, use these ideas for memorial services and funerals in planning.

Flowers

Flowers have long been associated with funerals. (In Victorian times, their purpose was to mask unpleasant smells.) Flowers always add an aesthetic and soothing touch to the environment. Floral arrangements can be as simple as a single rose or as elaborate as those used in a wedding. Consult a florist about funeral baskets, vases and standing displays of cut flowers. Potted plants can be kept after the service as flower sympathy gift, given to guests or donated to a retirement home or hospice. If you’re skilled in flower arranging, feel free to create your own designs. Place them however you like—grouped by color or height, or arranged randomly as you see fit. You may want to purchase several flowering plants and place them along the length of the casket, near the bottom. Perhaps you’d like to dress up the body—a boutonniere or corsage worn by the deceased is a lovely touch. Roses or flowers petals can also be placed inside the casket. You may event want to have stemmed flowers on hand to toss into the grave or on top of the casket at the interment.  When sending funeral flowers be courteous of the scheduling, they should be sent the day of the service no earlier.  

Candles

Candles symbolize hope, warmth, and spirituality. They are visible reminders of our possible triumph over darkness. Have you ever noticed how the flame of a candle can go unnoticed yet their presence is domineering and one can't ignore their impact.

The officiant could light the candle to begin services and at the conclusion the candle may be blown out. Or hand out candles to your guests for a warm glow to an evening service. Candles are also soothing during the time of grief. Sit down and watch the flame and feel your loved ones communicating with you.

Collages and Displays

Display a collage, created using poster board, of old photos, letters and any other mementos. You can even lay out all the materials on a table and have each attending guest glue one item onto the poster paper as he or she arrives. This is a great way to promote conversations and story sharing among the guests. A photo of the deceased, blown up and placed at the entrance or near the casket, serves as a reminder of the person when he or she was living. Large banners, on which quotes or phrases in memory of your loved are written, also help to personalize the environment.

Use a Register Book

Include a register book near the entrance or see that it gets passed around at the service—the idea being for friends and family to sign their attendance or to write comments about the deceased. You can either keep it as a remembrance for the family or place it in the casket. If time allows prior to the service, distribute the pages of a loose leaf journal. Have each guest create his or her own memory page with quotes, photos or other mementos. When the pages are finished and returned, bind the pages together to create a memory book. The names and information in these books are useful when it comes time to writing thank you cards.

Music

Music is always a sentimental touch. Make a tape or CD of the loved one’s favorite tunes or simply have classical music playing in the background. You can also hire a live band or a solo instrumentalist—a harpist, organist, flautist, guitarist or piper—and make the performance a part of the service. You may want to play home videos of your loved one during the visitation or reception. If you’re skilled with computers, you can create your own DVD or CD-ROM to play. (You can also make copies to give to guests.) If you don’t know how to create a DVD, hire a professional to create a video with music.

Name Tags? Why Not?

If you’ve ever been to a memorial service and had no idea who all the guests were, consider using name tags. Not everyone will know everyone else. Have each guest write his name and relationship to the deceased on the name tag. The results could be funny, wild or just plain poignant.

Memorial Donations

Collecting donations on behalf of a group or cause is an opportunity to help those in need in the name of the deceased. Instead of stating in the obituary that donations are being accepted, set up an online service or place a donation basket for the collection of funds at the service. This is easier than someone having to remember to write a check, address an envelope, stamp it and mail it. Or you can have the guests bring stuffed animals and toys for display near the casket and then donate them to a charity after the service.

Memorial Ideas

Memory stones, which can be purchased at spiritual or gardening stores, can be given out to guests as they arrive. This provides an opportunity for a welcoming committee—it’s a good idea in general to have a person at the door to usher in guests. Instruct guests to hold the stones and think about the person during a moment of silence. The stones will then be placed in a bowl near the casket as each person pays his or her last respects. This type of closure invites participation at the end of the service. Be sure and let everyone know how the stones will be used—atop the grave, in a garden, in an aquarium or as a rock garden in the home. A source like Rock & Water Creations, Inc. makes great stones and urns for display in the garden.

Meeting the Family

Meeting the family members is common. You can do so beforehand, but forming a reception line at the conclusion of the service allows guests to pay their condolences to the mourners. It’s a good idea to have water available and small bowls of gum or mints (good for a dry mouth after someone has spoken at the service or cried a lot).Afterwards, you can release butterflies, doves or ladybugs outside. Or consider giving each guest a balloon, to release individually or en masse as a symbol of letting go. (To protect the environment, make sure that any balloons you use are not made of Mylar.)

Outdoor Services

Outdoor memorial services in general are a wonderful idea. You can hold a service at a beach, on a private patio or on a boat. Go to a sports field or golf course and play a game in memory of the deceased (be sure and look into obtaining permits or making reservations for large gatherings). Hire an airplane and sky write the person’s name. Fly a home-made kite, have the guests blow bubbles, or plant a tree. Go on a memorial hike to a favorite location. Sing songs and share your memories. But, above all, celebrate.

Bring People Together

It never ceases to amaze me the types of people who are thrown together during a difficult time. David united folks from many aspects of his life. Many of his friends were in the death care industry. Then there was his posse of gay boys who loved to party. He had relationships from high school that he kept intact, and there were also his neighbors. Everyone who knew David knew him in a unique light. The power of bringing random people together is vital to our society and the future of diversity and acceptance.